Dec 23, 2022
I had no idea that I’d break into tears during this podcast, but I did. The topic is love, after all. And my heart is broken BIG TIME.
I am reviewing these notes on
the morning of surgery to fix a deviated septum from middle school
when my nose was severely broken. My mom had looked at me
with my
Marsha-Brady-episode-where-her-nose-blew-up-to-3x-times-the-size-and-black-and-blue-eyes
(that rhymes) and said,
“You’re fine.”
So
today, I don’t breathe as well as would be optimal. I believe this
is part of my loss of health story. I’m finally getting it
fixed.
It has been a HORRIBLE road to get to this morning. I drive around the streets of Evanston, recognizing the places where I was there for my husband when he needed surgery. When I dropped my life to “serve” him. Now that my “service” doesn’t “serve” him, where is he?
I’ve been a less-than-optimal-version-of-myself. I’m so sorry, to everyone, who has had to see any part of this journey. Per my ideas on apologies, I plan to make sure that I do better. I’m on my way now to my dad’s house to give him a hug. I was not my best self when I saw him last.
My mom also has been offering help, and I hope to take her up on some help during my convalescence.
In today’s episode, I call on
Shakira to help me, again. She has been one of my important
spiritual guides in my life. I LOVE SHAKIRA. (Me
encanta!).
Sometimes it can put your own problems in
perspective when you hear about those of others. Shakira has been
through an insane year. My broken heart goes out to
hers.
Let’s start with this song by Shakira, Monotonía
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5y6xLpRwx4
OMG that is me! I put my heart on a sleeve, and it got stepped on big time. Thrown on the street, broken. I have felt empty and lying on the floor like Shakira is shown.
Then we go to Don’t You Worry
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=me19SUmWu2s
I know it’s possible to cry all day and night until you fall asleep sitting up, but eventually, it DOES stop. Your dogs or cats might be soaking wet with your tears and really pent up with energy because you haven’t left the house (and are really worrying the neighbors with whatever can come through the walls), but it does eventually stop. At least for that day.
Then you might find yourself crying the next day again, and it may also come in waves when you least expect it. But I have to say to myself, “everything’s gonna be okay.” Gracias Shakira.
Then we move to Waka Waka (This Time for Africa)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRpeEdMmmQ0
“When you fall get up, eh eh.”
And I will start to meet my OWN NEEDs.
After all, what we need or want from others, we must be able to give to ourselves. Connection with others plays a role in everyone's lives in different ways for different reasons. It is difficult to sustain connections with others when we struggle to connect and meet our needs within ourselves. So…
I will see myself
I will hear myself
I will understand myself
I will fairly judge myself.
Maybe I need to take up dance lessons so that I can move like Shakira. RRRRR. And get back to my work at Nurture to help communities in need.
Mantras from the show:
#1:
Get to know love; we don’t understand it in our
culture
#2:
Move past “conditional” vs. “unconditional” love and
consider
compassionate
love.
#3:
Understand the many types of love the Greeks appreciated: Eros,
Philia, Ludus, Agape, Pragma, Philatia. I realize that I hardly get
into the types on my podcast,
so just read about it
here.
Your
homework, if you choose to accept: go help someone in
need!
If you are a woman, tune in to what might be happening to other women (or the feminine side of a man) today.
There seems to be strong energy around conflict and the change of an old model that involved subjugating women. (Yep, I just wrote that– ask me about the times I’ve seen gross men pat waitresses’ asses and be total assholes. I’ve been on the wrong side of that equation, ME TOO).
See the paradigm for change from episode 124.
Two questions if you’re brave
enough to consider change:
- Can women and men start to do LESS of being
the
Perpetrator and
Victim?
And move into Creator and
Challenger?
- Can we start to truly CO-CREATE the way I
believe that God/Goddess/All that is intended?
Let’s finish with, What is Love (the SNL version with A Night at the Roxbury
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2h4PhgobI8
Thank you for watching. I’m going to go pick up dog poop now. Hasta luego!
- I am learning late in life how to express “bad” emotions like sadness and anger. I sent this to my Dad before heading to surgery. He is upset with me and my recent displays of anger (even though, I believe I have a lot to be sad and mad about– being lied to and deceived by your husband for nearly decades is a biggie).
PS– If you have not been following the podcast, the LIES I was told and believed were that I was a priority in my husband’s life. He opened his mouth a gazillion times and said, “You are my #1. You are a priority.” He wrote those words many times. His actions didn’t match those words, which created a lot of dissonance in my nervous system. Perhaps that is why I didn’t sleep and had insomnia for nearly two decades.
And you know what? Maybe I lied too. Maybe when I said to him, “You’re doing a good job” I was certainly lying about his role as a husband. I didn’t do a good job listening to my inner voice telling me something was off.
Ultimately, our lies only did a good job of hurting me. We created an enormous amount of dissonance and pent-up issues in my nervous system, which then created more problems. I’m trying to dig myself out in so many ways.
While my husband skis on the slopes and enjoys the beachfront condo I set up for him in Puerto Rico. PENDEJO.
I’m off to drive myself to surgery. I hired some help afterward. Be well.
This is what I sent to Jeff after I expressed anger to him, which he could not handle.
In a text:
I’m sorry
Please
forgive me
I love you
Thank
you
Then he sent the cops on me. Hopefully, with you, Dad, you will be understanding and confident in knowing that I DO love you and intend only the best for both you and me in sending this prayer to you.
I am strong and will survive.
Again, I love you.